I was not a fat kid. I was an "average kid". I was average in pretty much every way possible. I was average in size, in looks, in grades, in athletic ability (ok, maybe below average here)...you get the point. The only time I felt in anyway above average is when performing in plays. But usually that is because I got to play someone who was more than average so...
I spent years trying to fit in...(not realizing that in jr high and high school everyone is trying to do the same thing in their own way). So, when I joined the Navy and moved away, I found myself in great shape physically...thin, healthy, in shape...but emotionally I was a wreck. Totally in need of someone to tell me I was above average...so I put myself in a position that led to my being the victim of a date rape that resulted in losing my virginity...and so much more. The event was so traumatic that it took 16 years for the subconscious me to let the conscious me know all that happened...Meanwhile, I had spent 16 years fighting this fear and anxiety that i didn't know what was driving it. I fought with food...the weapon of choice in my family. And I fought a good fight. I created a HUGE barrier for myself...
During my fight, I got married, I had 2 beautiful daughters, and I was able much of the time to live a lie, seemingly together yet falling apart on the inside. I covered my weakness, my self doubt, my shame with food.
I lost my father, (I was the consumate "Daddy's Girl") in 1998. At this time, I could not see my father in me. I look like my mother and I have been told I am like my mother. I saw parts of my father in each of my sisters but, for me, he was completely gone from my world.
It was only a few years later that my mother also passed and as stupid as it sounds, I felt like an orphan.
In 2006, I began a journey toward healing that began in an effort to minister to the hurts of others. I got involved in a ministry called Epiphany which ministered to incarcerated teenagers. I met the most amazing young men and wanted desprately to tell them how they were loved simply because they were God's perfect creation, that nothing in their past defined who they were. But, I realized I could not tell them this with complete conviction if I did not believe it about myself so I had to face the truth according to God's word not Donna's. I had to accept that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14) and that there is no flaw in me. (Song of Solomon 4:7)
So, I have since healed the emotional wreckage of my life and I am healthy emotionally and even spiritually...but the toll on my physical health has been pretty bad...I weigh around 270lbs on my 5'3" frame. I have diabetes and high blood pressure. Its bad. The outlook is bad unless something drastic changes the route.
Natalie Grants sings a beautiful song called So Long...
Mystified by the struggle to survive my own pride
Haunted by the deamons of my past life
Who am I and why do I are questions that keep running through my mind
But underneath this shallow skin is a bfrand new me comin' out comin' out from within.
So long, farewell to my old self
Goodbye to the lie that I can't be someone else
Cause who I was ain't who I am
I know that I've been born again.
Those stains of my history are gone, gone, gone...So Long.
Apathy, haunting me like some contagious disease.
Hypocrisy, hiding in the shadow of the former me.
Doin' what comes naturally I'm not who I want to be
I'm ready to be Free!!!
I know that she was talking about her spiritual journey but for me it is all three...spiritual, emotional, physical.
I am finding myself free in some ways but need to be free from this shell I have created...this body that served to isolate me from the fears and anxieties that drove my life for so long...but now it is just a prison.
So, I started this latest phase in my journey by deciding to apply for the Biggest Loser season 13. I did not receive a call back but honestly never had thought of that possibility. What did happen though was I met some INCREDIBLE people who changed the direction of my life path. I am on my way.
I invite you to join me. I will blog daily about my adventures, I will share ideas, scriptures, motivational hints, recipes...I will share my successes and my challenges...I invite you to begin a new phase to your life journey if you feel the need to.
I know that I can do ALL things through Christ who give me strength (Philippians 4:13). He is the center of my life and the center of my journey. I am seeking to lose weight in order to gain a new life through Him.
Blessings to you all!
I spent years trying to fit in...(not realizing that in jr high and high school everyone is trying to do the same thing in their own way). So, when I joined the Navy and moved away, I found myself in great shape physically...thin, healthy, in shape...but emotionally I was a wreck. Totally in need of someone to tell me I was above average...so I put myself in a position that led to my being the victim of a date rape that resulted in losing my virginity...and so much more. The event was so traumatic that it took 16 years for the subconscious me to let the conscious me know all that happened...Meanwhile, I had spent 16 years fighting this fear and anxiety that i didn't know what was driving it. I fought with food...the weapon of choice in my family. And I fought a good fight. I created a HUGE barrier for myself...
During my fight, I got married, I had 2 beautiful daughters, and I was able much of the time to live a lie, seemingly together yet falling apart on the inside. I covered my weakness, my self doubt, my shame with food.
I lost my father, (I was the consumate "Daddy's Girl") in 1998. At this time, I could not see my father in me. I look like my mother and I have been told I am like my mother. I saw parts of my father in each of my sisters but, for me, he was completely gone from my world.
It was only a few years later that my mother also passed and as stupid as it sounds, I felt like an orphan.
In 2006, I began a journey toward healing that began in an effort to minister to the hurts of others. I got involved in a ministry called Epiphany which ministered to incarcerated teenagers. I met the most amazing young men and wanted desprately to tell them how they were loved simply because they were God's perfect creation, that nothing in their past defined who they were. But, I realized I could not tell them this with complete conviction if I did not believe it about myself so I had to face the truth according to God's word not Donna's. I had to accept that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14) and that there is no flaw in me. (Song of Solomon 4:7)
So, I have since healed the emotional wreckage of my life and I am healthy emotionally and even spiritually...but the toll on my physical health has been pretty bad...I weigh around 270lbs on my 5'3" frame. I have diabetes and high blood pressure. Its bad. The outlook is bad unless something drastic changes the route.
Natalie Grants sings a beautiful song called So Long...
Mystified by the struggle to survive my own pride
Haunted by the deamons of my past life
Who am I and why do I are questions that keep running through my mind
But underneath this shallow skin is a bfrand new me comin' out comin' out from within.
So long, farewell to my old self
Goodbye to the lie that I can't be someone else
Cause who I was ain't who I am
I know that I've been born again.
Those stains of my history are gone, gone, gone...So Long.
Apathy, haunting me like some contagious disease.
Hypocrisy, hiding in the shadow of the former me.
Doin' what comes naturally I'm not who I want to be
I'm ready to be Free!!!
I know that she was talking about her spiritual journey but for me it is all three...spiritual, emotional, physical.
I am finding myself free in some ways but need to be free from this shell I have created...this body that served to isolate me from the fears and anxieties that drove my life for so long...but now it is just a prison.
So, I started this latest phase in my journey by deciding to apply for the Biggest Loser season 13. I did not receive a call back but honestly never had thought of that possibility. What did happen though was I met some INCREDIBLE people who changed the direction of my life path. I am on my way.
I invite you to join me. I will blog daily about my adventures, I will share ideas, scriptures, motivational hints, recipes...I will share my successes and my challenges...I invite you to begin a new phase to your life journey if you feel the need to.
I know that I can do ALL things through Christ who give me strength (Philippians 4:13). He is the center of my life and the center of my journey. I am seeking to lose weight in order to gain a new life through Him.
Blessings to you all!
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